The grief hit me again yesterday. Grief has been such an intense emotion for me throughout this ME/CFS experience.
After a summer of so much healing and literally getting back on my feet, I had a wobble yesterday and was in bed for much of 24 hours. Today I can look back and see what landed me there, and it makes perfect sense. So much sense I should have been surprised if I didn't need an in-bed-recovery day. But in the moment, I just felt devastated.
And I kept wanting to do something with all my big feelings. Like maybe get back to writing? Seems like I need to be writing in order to process it all and make sense of it. And typing here could be the best way to do that.
Instead of writing, yesterday I just cried a lot. And I slept a lot. I raged against my own reality and felt full-force the grief of chronic illness and disability. I was mad, it felt unfair, I just felt like raging. But I needed to sleep, a live class inside the Primal Trust membership helped me come back to calm surprisingly quickly, and get that sleep.
Today has been a wonderful, high-functioning day. I woke up and the grief was gone, and so was the heaviness and exhaustion and the weight of intense symptoms. I took my girls to our new homeschool group and had conversations with lovely mamas and kiddos on a gorgeous sunny September morning.
I was able to drive 45 minutes to get there today, spend three hours in a big group, and drive back home. That is amazing.
I was able to have coherent conversations, standing up, and actually enjoyed it so much. That is amazing!
I was able to really be present with my little girls, doing what we wanted to be doing, together, on our fifth day of homeschooling. That feels incredible.
So I missed Day Four and had to be in bed, and I will miss other days and probably events that I wish I could get to, but I will be there for a lot of days too. A year ago I wasn't able to stand up or help my partner at all with our move. Six months ago I wasn't able to parent my children or have conversations. So today is kinda like flying. It's a miracle.
What's working for me right now
Typing out my thoughts in this space
Taking an entire day to rest and recover yesterday
Getting outside as much as possible - tea on the porch, rest in the hammock, puttering around the yard
Slowing down outside to notice and enjoy the little details.
Popping jewelweed pods and noticing other small miracles with my daughters
Working through the Primal Trust program at my own pace
Seeing a good friend last weekend who also has dysautonomia (POTS for her), and getting the chance to catch up with someone who understands
Using the I-Am-Here-Now-In-This breath (breathing in or out on each word, to a slow count of five). Slowing that breath down further and further as I realize it's still not very slow.
Remembering that there is no hurry, I do not rush, and we have all the time in the world. Remembering and reminding myself over and over each day. We have all the time in the world.